by Randy C. Watts (480) 343-3868
Amidst all of the illnesses and maladies in today’s world, there is one that is quickly emerging as the front-runner of all the syndromes. It’s called FKS (Fat Kid Syndrome). I feel perfectly comfortable editorializing this phenomenon, because I have fallen victim to the monster. I have been self-diagnosed with Fat Kid Syndrome.
I should have known years ago. All of the signs were there; I just chose to ignore them. By the time I finally saw a specialist, and the diagnosis was delivered, it was too late. The syndrome was deeply buried in my psyche, and I could not return to a normal lifestyle.
Here are a few of the reasons I became suspicious that I might be afflicted with FKS. Perhaps you will read a few symptoms that ring a vague familiarity to you as well. Read carefully, as you well may be a victim of this ailment, too!
I can’t walk into a grocery store without checking to see if there are any samples being offered. The first place I look is the bakery. More often than not, I glance to see that all-familiar plastic dome containing small chunks of heavenly doughnuts or broken cookie pieces (although from time to time I hit the mother load counter where they are actually giving away whole cookies). Once I see that there are indeed samples, I waste no time heading for the delectable little morsels. I am overcome by the sense that a busload of hungry school kids are going to jump in front of me and devour the whole array of samples. When I reach my destination, I look to see if the
person behind the counter is looking at me. If they are, I smile and take one. If there is nobody watching me, I forego the smile and grab at least two. If I were to be confronted about my multiplicity, I’d simply say that the second one was for my spouse. When I find a particularly good sample, I usually circle around the isle once or twice and make my way back for more. There is no doubt that this is a sign of FKS. I’m pretty sure I’m a fat kid.
Whenever I get a call from a friend or acquaintance who asks me if I have eaten yet, my automatic answer is “no,” whether I have, or not. If I was not a fat kid, I would say “yes” if I had already had a meal. But, knowing that this person on the other end of the phone line is most likely going to ask me if I want to go grab something to eat, I don’t want to chance them not asking by telling them I've eaten. A second meal is never a problem, so I have no doubt ... I have FKS.
I love to eat out, which, in itself, pretty much leans towards Fat Kidosis, but here are a few signs that pretty much clinch it for me:
I despise hearing someone tell me that the servings are huge and then ask me if I want to share a plate. Crap no I don’t want to share! What’s the point of having huge servings if I end up dividing it into two portions? Besides, I’m not confident that whoever is doing the dividing is going to give me my fair share!
I get very anxious if I don’t see my server bringing out bread (or chips and salsa) right away, for I start to fear that they may not remember to bring it at all, or that maybe they’ve run out. So when the waiter gets close enough, I casually ask (even though I know the answer) if they serve bread (or chips and salsa) before the meal, just so that he knows that I am expecting it, and it validates the fact that they have not run out!
I skip right over the salad section and the “Light Heart Healthy” section of the menu and get right to the good stuff.
When I see the food server walk around the corner carrying a large tray, I experience a twinge of excitement, knowing that it's probably my food, and I feel absolutely dejected if the he or she passes me by and goes to the next table.
I keep a very vigilant eye on the people that have entered the restaurant after me, and I get very upset very quickly if they are served before me. I’m not sure if I should attack the server or if I should go after the people that are eating the food that should have been mine.
When the waiter asks if anyone wants to see a desert menu, I automatically say "no." However, I nervously look around at all of my dining companions, hoping that someone kicks off the desert ball by saying "yes" … then it’s on!
I will ask for a “to-go” box, or a dogie bag, but by the time the server actually gets back to the table with it, I have finished my leftovers (or someone else’s).
When my plate is empty and there is no more food (or sauce) to harvest, I proceed to eat whatever garnish may have adorned my meal.
When given a choice of a regular restaurant or a buffet, well … need I answer that?
I know that I am afflicted with FKS because when I drop a doughnut (or any other food for that matter) onto the ground, I instantly snap it up, screaming “3-second-rule” just before I pop it into my mouth. I would much rather chance contracting some rare floor disease than sacrifice the food I dropped.
My Labrador and my Chihuahua have resigned themselves to the fact that they might as well stop begging for my leftovers, because leftovers have become virtually non-existent.
No matter what snacks I happen to be eating, they always taste better with a generous helping of butter on them. These include, but are not limited to, bread (duh), saltine crackers (or any cracker for that matter), Pop Tarts, Captain Crunch, oatmeal, pancakes, waffles, corn on the cob, corn off the cob, pizza crust, Doritos, refried beans, un-fried beans, rice, Rice Krispies, Rice Krispie Treats, potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes (with brown sugar and marshmallows), pound cake, angel food cake, doughnuts, pastries, tomato soup, and pretty much anything else that can be eaten cold, or warmed in a microwave oven.
When I go to the theatre, the first thing I do is buy the tickets. The second thing I do is buy the goodies. This includes popcorn, of course. I get the extra large bucket because it’s refillable. I don’t always refill it, but just the knowledge that I can is well worth the extra few bucks. But, popcorn, in its beautiful simplicity, does not suffice for someone with FKS. I have the concession professional give me a bucket only half filled so that I can saturate the lower portion with butter, first. I then have them fill the bag the rest of the way so that I can saturate the top half. Now, the popcorn must be garnished with something, and let me assure you that the best thing to do that with is Junior Mints. Some fat kids prefer M&M’s, some prefer gummy bears, and others lean towards Reese’s Pieces.
Don’t think, however, that I am totally careless with my theatre eating habits. I don’t just cast fate to the wind and have a careless free-for-all. I actually make sure that my extra large refillable soda is DIET.
There’s only one thing better than sitting on my couch eating my favorite foods while watching television; that is, sitting on my couch eating my favorite food while watching talented chefs prepare more of my favorite food. Yes, I am addicted to the Food Network. I love to watch those programs that show you just how your favorite foods are made … specifically; Twinkies, Tootsie Pops, Jordan Almonds and hot dogs.
While all of my male friends are watching the Cowboys get stomped by the Patriots, I am learning how to make the perfect tortilla soup. I can’t name the positions on a basketball team, but I can show you the best way to remove an avocado from the shell. I’m not sure what size of engine my girlfriend’s car houses under the hood, but I can show you how to keep the chocolate from cracking off your chocolate dipped strawberries. This is reason for concern, if one dreads having, or contracting, FKS.
Let’s talk fast food. I cannot go to a Taco Bell and just get one or two items, because it may not be enough. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m not going to eat four burritos, it’s nice to know that I have an extra just in case I'm still hungry after eating three. Of course, even if I am full after my three burritos, I’m not stupid enough to waste food that I've just spent perfectly good money on! And let’s just say that a friend and I go to McDonald's, and I have enough willpower to resist getting French fries with my Big Mac because I'm on a diet at the time, I am perfectly willing to eat the fries that fall off the pile of my buddy's food that is housed in the same bag. As a matter of fact, I may shake the bag just a little to assure more fries tumble. A fat kid knows that the fallen fries do not have calories.
Speaking of food without calories, here is a handy list of edibles that Fat Kids view as fat-free, calorie-free, and therefore, guilt-free:
Free samples
The crumbs at the bottom of the bag … of anything
The tops of muffins
Refreshments at any meeting
Free food of any kind
Doughnuts (if eaten small pieces at a time)
Cake batter (as long as it's not cooked in the form of a cake)
Cookie dough (see above)
The edges of brownies
Funeral food
Wedding food
Baptism food
Airplane food
Train food
Bus food
Food while traveling
Food while incarcerated
Lastly, I feel compelled to be honest with you, the reader. If you do not experience any of these FKS symptoms, or if you do, but your weight remains proper and steady, I do not like you. As a matter of fact, I despise you. And just so you know, all Fat Kids feel the same way! Oh, and if you have ever uttered the words “I eat and eat and I just cannot gain weight,” I really hope you get huge one day, because you deserve it. Fat kids rule!
Amidst all of the illnesses and maladies in today’s world, there is one that is quickly emerging as the front-runner of all the syndromes. It’s called FKS (Fat Kid Syndrome). I feel perfectly comfortable editorializing this phenomenon, because I have fallen victim to the monster. I have been self-diagnosed with Fat Kid Syndrome.I should have known years ago. All of the signs were there; I just chose to ignore them. By the time I finally saw a specialist, and the diagnosis was delivered, it was too late. The syndrome was deeply buried in my psyche, and I could not return to a normal lifestyle.
Here are a few of the reasons I became suspicious that I might be afflicted with FKS. Perhaps you will read a few symptoms that ring a vague familiarity to you as well. Read carefully, as you well may be a victim of this ailment, too!
I can’t walk into a grocery store without checking to see if there are any samples being offered. The first place I look is the bakery. More often than not, I glance to see that all-familiar plastic dome containing small chunks of heavenly doughnuts or broken cookie pieces (although from time to time I hit the mother load counter where they are actually giving away whole cookies). Once I see that there are indeed samples, I waste no time heading for the delectable little morsels. I am overcome by the sense that a busload of hungry school kids are going to jump in front of me and devour the whole array of samples. When I reach my destination, I look to see if the
person behind the counter is looking at me. If they are, I smile and take one. If there is nobody watching me, I forego the smile and grab at least two. If I were to be confronted about my multiplicity, I’d simply say that the second one was for my spouse. When I find a particularly good sample, I usually circle around the isle once or twice and make my way back for more. There is no doubt that this is a sign of FKS. I’m pretty sure I’m a fat kid.Whenever I get a call from a friend or acquaintance who asks me if I have eaten yet, my automatic answer is “no,” whether I have, or not. If I was not a fat kid, I would say “yes” if I had already had a meal. But, knowing that this person on the other end of the phone line is most likely going to ask me if I want to go grab something to eat, I don’t want to chance them not asking by telling them I've eaten. A second meal is never a problem, so I have no doubt ... I have FKS.
I love to eat out, which, in itself, pretty much leans towards Fat Kidosis, but here are a few signs that pretty much clinch it for me:
I despise hearing someone tell me that the servings are huge and then ask me if I want to share a plate. Crap no I don’t want to share! What’s the point of having huge servings if I end up dividing it into two portions? Besides, I’m not confident that whoever is doing the dividing is going to give me my fair share!
I get very anxious if I don’t see my server bringing out bread (or chips and salsa) right away, for I start to fear that they may not remember to bring it at all, or that maybe they’ve run out. So when the waiter gets close enough, I casually ask (even though I know the answer) if they serve bread (or chips and salsa) before the meal, just so that he knows that I am expecting it, and it validates the fact that they have not run out!
I skip right over the salad section and the “Light Heart Healthy” section of the menu and get right to the good stuff.
When I see the food server walk around the corner carrying a large tray, I experience a twinge of excitement, knowing that it's probably my food, and I feel absolutely dejected if the he or she passes me by and goes to the next table.
I keep a very vigilant eye on the people that have entered the restaurant after me, and I get very upset very quickly if they are served before me. I’m not sure if I should attack the server or if I should go after the people that are eating the food that should have been mine.
When the waiter asks if anyone wants to see a desert menu, I automatically say "no." However, I nervously look around at all of my dining companions, hoping that someone kicks off the desert ball by saying "yes" … then it’s on!
I will ask for a “to-go” box, or a dogie bag, but by the time the server actually gets back to the table with it, I have finished my leftovers (or someone else’s).
When my plate is empty and there is no more food (or sauce) to harvest, I proceed to eat whatever garnish may have adorned my meal.
When given a choice of a regular restaurant or a buffet, well … need I answer that?I know that I am afflicted with FKS because when I drop a doughnut (or any other food for that matter) onto the ground, I instantly snap it up, screaming “3-second-rule” just before I pop it into my mouth. I would much rather chance contracting some rare floor disease than sacrifice the food I dropped.
My Labrador and my Chihuahua have resigned themselves to the fact that they might as well stop begging for my leftovers, because leftovers have become virtually non-existent.
No matter what snacks I happen to be eating, they always taste better with a generous helping of butter on them. These include, but are not limited to, bread (duh), saltine crackers (or any cracker for that matter), Pop Tarts, Captain Crunch, oatmeal, pancakes, waffles, corn on the cob, corn off the cob, pizza crust, Doritos, refried beans, un-fried beans, rice, Rice Krispies, Rice Krispie Treats, potatoes, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes (with brown sugar and marshmallows), pound cake, angel food cake, doughnuts, pastries, tomato soup, and pretty much anything else that can be eaten cold, or warmed in a microwave oven.
When I go to the theatre, the first thing I do is buy the tickets. The second thing I do is buy the goodies. This includes popcorn, of course. I get the extra large bucket because it’s refillable. I don’t always refill it, but just the knowledge that I can is well worth the extra few bucks. But, popcorn, in its beautiful simplicity, does not suffice for someone with FKS. I have the concession professional give me a bucket only half filled so that I can saturate the lower portion with butter, first. I then have them fill the bag the rest of the way so that I can saturate the top half. Now, the popcorn must be garnished with something, and let me assure you that the best thing to do that with is Junior Mints. Some fat kids prefer M&M’s, some prefer gummy bears, and others lean towards Reese’s Pieces.
Don’t think, however, that I am totally careless with my theatre eating habits. I don’t just cast fate to the wind and have a careless free-for-all. I actually make sure that my extra large refillable soda is DIET.
There’s only one thing better than sitting on my couch eating my favorite foods while watching television; that is, sitting on my couch eating my favorite food while watching talented chefs prepare more of my favorite food. Yes, I am addicted to the Food Network. I love to watch those programs that show you just how your favorite foods are made … specifically; Twinkies, Tootsie Pops, Jordan Almonds and hot dogs.
While all of my male friends are watching the Cowboys get stomped by the Patriots, I am learning how to make the perfect tortilla soup. I can’t name the positions on a basketball team, but I can show you the best way to remove an avocado from the shell. I’m not sure what size of engine my girlfriend’s car houses under the hood, but I can show you how to keep the chocolate from cracking off your chocolate dipped strawberries. This is reason for concern, if one dreads having, or contracting, FKS.
Let’s talk fast food. I cannot go to a Taco Bell and just get one or two items, because it may not be enough. Even though I’m pretty sure I’m not going to eat four burritos, it’s nice to know that I have an extra just in case I'm still hungry after eating three. Of course, even if I am full after my three burritos, I’m not stupid enough to waste food that I've just spent perfectly good money on! And let’s just say that a friend and I go to McDonald's, and I have enough willpower to resist getting French fries with my Big Mac because I'm on a diet at the time, I am perfectly willing to eat the fries that fall off the pile of my buddy's food that is housed in the same bag. As a matter of fact, I may shake the bag just a little to assure more fries tumble. A fat kid knows that the fallen fries do not have calories.
Speaking of food without calories, here is a handy list of edibles that Fat Kids view as fat-free, calorie-free, and therefore, guilt-free:
Free samples
The crumbs at the bottom of the bag … of anything
The tops of muffins
Refreshments at any meeting
Free food of any kind
Doughnuts (if eaten small pieces at a time)
Cake batter (as long as it's not cooked in the form of a cake)
Cookie dough (see above)
The edges of brownies
Funeral food
Wedding food
Baptism food
Airplane food
Train food
Bus food
Food while traveling 
Food while incarceratedLastly, I feel compelled to be honest with you, the reader. If you do not experience any of these FKS symptoms, or if you do, but your weight remains proper and steady, I do not like you. As a matter of fact, I despise you. And just so you know, all Fat Kids feel the same way! Oh, and if you have ever uttered the words “I eat and eat and I just cannot gain weight,” I really hope you get huge one day, because you deserve it. Fat kids rule!
You forgot to mention that it's hereditary.
ReplyDeletep.s. your bullet points made me hungry
Yep, I most definitely suffer from FKS. Except for the stealing samples from bakery domes thing. There, my OCD and phobia of germs wins and all I see is a cesspool of bacteria from people who grabbed and didn't wash hands or people who double dipped. It totally grosses me out. But I guess now we are getting into another neurotic post for another day.
ReplyDeleteMy inner fat kid just did a cartwheel! All the food mentioned just made me happy!
ReplyDelete