THE REMOTE CONTROL – A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE
By Randy C. Watts (480) 343-3868
In the beginning, there was the television. It was good, but man could not relax while watching it. He repeatedly had to remove himself from the couch and change the channel or adjust the volume. Finally, the remote control was created, and it was very good … for a while.
Originally, this handy little device was designed to reduce stress by enabling one to sit comfortably, changing the settings on the television without leaving the embracing lap of the sofa. However, this product description pales in comparison to that which is conjured up in the minds of we remote-wielding men. To us, the remote is much more. It is pure, unadulterated power! It enables us to take total control of a machine and make it do what we want it to do. It asks no questions, it only submits to our commands. As long as we clutch the remote, like a scepter in our hands, the will of the television is ours. Statistics will prove, however, that the little magic device has not reduced stress at all. As a matter of fact, it has actually been the cause of hypertension, raised cholesterol levels, strokes, and even divorce.
The remote is most certainly not a panacea, and here is why: First, and foremost, the remote can only be used if it can be found! I am convinced that somewhere in this vast universe, there is a magical place filled with single socks, car keys and, you guessed it, remote controls. Throughout my life I have made numerous rules regarding the proper storage of this illusive device. I have actually called special family council meetings to let my wife and four children know that I am sick and tired of never being able to find it. It is such a laborious task to search between and under all of the couch cushions. Not only is it hard to access, one never knows what one will find in these mysterious crevices. I have grabbed my share of cheerios, bread crumbs, a variety of different chips, and yes, even the ever-present selection of coins. I tell my family members where I want the remote placed when each of them are finished using it. They all say that they will comply with this simple request, and everyone is happy … until the next time I want to watch TV, and it is nowhere to be found. I ask my wife and children, already knowing that the answer will be, “No, we don’t know where it is … look between the couch cushions!”
Nobody knows its whereabouts, and I simply cannot find it. This is the point where I start believing that remotes don’t need the assistance of living, physical beings to move from location to location. I become certain that they have a built-in telekinetic power that enables them to transport themselves to any location in, or out, of the house.
Here is another pre-requisite of using the blessed remote; it must have batteries! Why is it that when any member of my family wants to use a small device that requires AA batteries, they don’t bother to look for the pack of new ones that I always have stashed away in the drawer? They go directly to the remote for a quick autopsy and batterectomy. We have smoke detectors, alarm clocks, garage door openers and even bicycle lights, which all use AA batteries … why rob the remote? Then, when I do go for the batteries in the drawer, they are nowhere to be found (which I guess explains why nobody ever uses them).
I personally cannot enjoy watching a program if I cannot feel the remote nestled in, or close to my hand. It’s not that I don’t like what I am watching at the time, but just the thought that I might stop liking it and have no way of changing the channel is enough to invoke insanity! Or, what if the phone should ring? Even though the phone is right beside me, I would still have to get up to turn down the volume in order to hear my own conversation. If a particularly obnoxious commercial were to come on, I would not be able to mute the sound or change the channel. And even if I did get up to manually control my machine, I would inevitably come upon commercials, and I would have to stand there until the commercial ended so I could see what program was airing. I hate standing next to my television waiting for a string of commercials to end, because the television senses my anxiety, and automatically plays more commercials than normal, and extends each one to an unbearable length.
Let’s talk women and remotes. They are not meant to be together. The fairer sex has a whole different outlook on the remote control. They simply don’t care whether they have it or not! I actually witnessed a woman stand up, walk to the TV, and turn down the volume WITH the remote control in her hand! Reeling in disbelief, I pointed this out to her and she simply shrugged her shoulders as though it were no big deal. Are you freaking kidding me? What a waste of a perfectly good stand-up! As far as the woman’s remote control operating habits, heaven help the stressed out man who is in the room when she is channel surfing. The female seems to gain some sort of superpower, mixed with a high degree of extra sensory perception when flipping from channel to channel. On my television I have a total of 836 channels, and my wife can scan every one of them in seventeen seconds flat. I sit there trying to get tiny glimpses of things that look incredibly interesting, like car crashes, bull riding, or maybe a burning building. But before I can even speak, she has soared twenty more channels up the spectrum. What’s worse is that when a commercial appears, she simply flips to the next channel, with absolutely no regard for what program might have been waiting in its shadow. And most amazing of all, somehow amidst the blur of programs whizzing by, the woman knows when she has arrived at what she wants to watch, and it is usually something in which I have absolutely no interest!
With the advent of multi-programmable remote controls, life has become much more complicated. Now, when it is lost, you don’t just lose the ability to control the TV, you also lose control of your DVD player, your DVR, your gaming system, your home stereo, cable box and surround sound system. Now, that same little device is capable of doing six times the damage than it used to do.
Take heart, men, for I have come up with a solution. The secret is all in the relocation of the furniture. I have simply placed my recliner thirty six inches from the television. It is at such an angle that I can recline and still reach out and change any setting I want to. This enables me to manually control the television without the need for remote intervention. This also eliminates the need for a large screen TV, because at that proximity, it’s almost as though I am at the movie theater! Best of all, the remote can never be lost, because the remote is comprised of the five fingers on my right hand, which is permanently attached to the end of my arm.
This evening I will be nestled in my chair watching my favorite shows, provided I am home on time from my doctor’s appointment. I don’t know why, but I have been suffering from a severe case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I hear there are some great books available about this ailment, which I will read, as soon as I figure out what is wrong with my eyes!
By Randy C. Watts (480) 343-3868
In the beginning, there was the television. It was good, but man could not relax while watching it. He repeatedly had to remove himself from the couch and change the channel or adjust the volume. Finally, the remote control was created, and it was very good … for a while.
Originally, this handy little device was designed to reduce stress by enabling one to sit comfortably, changing the settings on the television without leaving the embracing lap of the sofa. However, this product description pales in comparison to that which is conjured up in the minds of we remote-wielding men. To us, the remote is much more. It is pure, unadulterated power! It enables us to take total control of a machine and make it do what we want it to do. It asks no questions, it only submits to our commands. As long as we clutch the remote, like a scepter in our hands, the will of the television is ours. Statistics will prove, however, that the little magic device has not reduced stress at all. As a matter of fact, it has actually been the cause of hypertension, raised cholesterol levels, strokes, and even divorce.
The remote is most certainly not a panacea, and here is why: First, and foremost, the remote can only be used if it can be found! I am convinced that somewhere in this vast universe, there is a magical place filled with single socks, car keys and, you guessed it, remote controls. Throughout my life I have made numerous rules regarding the proper storage of this illusive device. I have actually called special family council meetings to let my wife and four children know that I am sick and tired of never being able to find it. It is such a laborious task to search between and under all of the couch cushions. Not only is it hard to access, one never knows what one will find in these mysterious crevices. I have grabbed my share of cheerios, bread crumbs, a variety of different chips, and yes, even the ever-present selection of coins. I tell my family members where I want the remote placed when each of them are finished using it. They all say that they will comply with this simple request, and everyone is happy … until the next time I want to watch TV, and it is nowhere to be found. I ask my wife and children, already knowing that the answer will be, “No, we don’t know where it is … look between the couch cushions!”
Nobody knows its whereabouts, and I simply cannot find it. This is the point where I start believing that remotes don’t need the assistance of living, physical beings to move from location to location. I become certain that they have a built-in telekinetic power that enables them to transport themselves to any location in, or out, of the house.
Here is another pre-requisite of using the blessed remote; it must have batteries! Why is it that when any member of my family wants to use a small device that requires AA batteries, they don’t bother to look for the pack of new ones that I always have stashed away in the drawer? They go directly to the remote for a quick autopsy and batterectomy. We have smoke detectors, alarm clocks, garage door openers and even bicycle lights, which all use AA batteries … why rob the remote? Then, when I do go for the batteries in the drawer, they are nowhere to be found (which I guess explains why nobody ever uses them).
I personally cannot enjoy watching a program if I cannot feel the remote nestled in, or close to my hand. It’s not that I don’t like what I am watching at the time, but just the thought that I might stop liking it and have no way of changing the channel is enough to invoke insanity! Or, what if the phone should ring? Even though the phone is right beside me, I would still have to get up to turn down the volume in order to hear my own conversation. If a particularly obnoxious commercial were to come on, I would not be able to mute the sound or change the channel. And even if I did get up to manually control my machine, I would inevitably come upon commercials, and I would have to stand there until the commercial ended so I could see what program was airing. I hate standing next to my television waiting for a string of commercials to end, because the television senses my anxiety, and automatically plays more commercials than normal, and extends each one to an unbearable length.
Let’s talk women and remotes. They are not meant to be together. The fairer sex has a whole different outlook on the remote control. They simply don’t care whether they have it or not! I actually witnessed a woman stand up, walk to the TV, and turn down the volume WITH the remote control in her hand! Reeling in disbelief, I pointed this out to her and she simply shrugged her shoulders as though it were no big deal. Are you freaking kidding me? What a waste of a perfectly good stand-up! As far as the woman’s remote control operating habits, heaven help the stressed out man who is in the room when she is channel surfing. The female seems to gain some sort of superpower, mixed with a high degree of extra sensory perception when flipping from channel to channel. On my television I have a total of 836 channels, and my wife can scan every one of them in seventeen seconds flat. I sit there trying to get tiny glimpses of things that look incredibly interesting, like car crashes, bull riding, or maybe a burning building. But before I can even speak, she has soared twenty more channels up the spectrum. What’s worse is that when a commercial appears, she simply flips to the next channel, with absolutely no regard for what program might have been waiting in its shadow. And most amazing of all, somehow amidst the blur of programs whizzing by, the woman knows when she has arrived at what she wants to watch, and it is usually something in which I have absolutely no interest!
With the advent of multi-programmable remote controls, life has become much more complicated. Now, when it is lost, you don’t just lose the ability to control the TV, you also lose control of your DVD player, your DVR, your gaming system, your home stereo, cable box and surround sound system. Now, that same little device is capable of doing six times the damage than it used to do.
Take heart, men, for I have come up with a solution. The secret is all in the relocation of the furniture. I have simply placed my recliner thirty six inches from the television. It is at such an angle that I can recline and still reach out and change any setting I want to. This enables me to manually control the television without the need for remote intervention. This also eliminates the need for a large screen TV, because at that proximity, it’s almost as though I am at the movie theater! Best of all, the remote can never be lost, because the remote is comprised of the five fingers on my right hand, which is permanently attached to the end of my arm.
This evening I will be nestled in my chair watching my favorite shows, provided I am home on time from my doctor’s appointment. I don’t know why, but I have been suffering from a severe case of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I hear there are some great books available about this ailment, which I will read, as soon as I figure out what is wrong with my eyes!
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